What's up with me

Yes, here, just now, I need to get into it somehow. But there's so much of it, how do I stay true and keep it simple all the while?
There have been a lot of changes of the last couple weeks, as different people come and go. Especially the atmosphere changes, you notice how it gets quieter or otherwise.
The past couple days have been really rough for me. But I have to rewind before I say anything about that. 2 weeks ago Melissa got here, and we've had some really amazing times together. She ended up in the zone that I work in, so I get to hear once again her voice as she talks to herself, drawing plans and diagrams. I had to wait some 6 months to see her, but our affection didn't fade during that time. And a nice difference has been that I can actually communicate some thoughts with Italian now, so it's not always up to her to work through the French, good as she is with the language.
But something happened a couple nights ago between her and another guy, something she allowed to happen, rather than having gone to seek out. It still hurt tremendously, especially as I knew that this bloke fancied her, kept putting himself close to her, and because she had assured me I had nothing to worry about.
So the next night she told me all about it, for which I'm greatful, explaining that she had had too much to drink. I don't really buy that part, as I had gone out with the group too, and hadn't seen her have all that much, but whatever.
I remembered a discussion that took place in Normandy, with Sebastien at the dinner table. He was saying something like, "You know Melissa, what is it with you, you never say no." Which was funny in face of her usual mild-mannered and cool demeanor, and indeed, typical aquiescence. She replied that she saw no problem with that. We all laughed.
But I see a problem with that. And it's not a matter of guilt, on anyone's part. For me too, time and time again, I let be her and this person she considers a friend, so as to not be intrusive. I never have wanted to be possessive, or to play part in this bullshit alpha male stuff that permeates our culture. Yet once again, I've allowed, in this way, for someone to take advantage of my good nature, and that's just idiotic. Simply, I need to be compassionate, but also with intelligence. I can't let someone walk all over me like this.
She assured me she wants to be with me, and only me. So be it. And soon again, I'll be abroad, and I'll be damned if I keep her from enjoying herself whenever she wants to. She should. But to relinquish to someone she doesn't want to be with, even for just a few kisses, while I'm in the very same place is just not right. It's not good for her, and it's not good for him. Now he maybe has to deal with guiltiness, worries, and all kinds of consequences. The pain that I've been feeling will pass much more quickly. Especially if this event allows us to become even closer than we were before.
So I have hopes still, and we'll just hafta see what happens. Luckily, I was able to come into town (Bologna) yesterday, and meet up with two friends, Rita and Sara. They provided the friendly counsel, ear, and comforting that I needed so much. That, with a fair bit of meditation and writing, has made today very different. I'm clearer on what I want from her, and I won't let that punkass (you can permit me one insult, can't you?) get too friendly. Or maybe enough's been done... either way, I hope I can figure out what's appropriate.

There you have it! It may be foolish of me to post my intimate thoughts out into the ether out there, but I've got to give it a shot. Who's even reading this anyway? Two or three people? Thanks for listening anyway. There's another story for me to tell, but we've got to be going. It's one about Erica, a friend from the states who managed to show up during lunch on Monday, surprising the hell out of me! She ended up staying for the rest of the week, and we had (along with half-British Sara) a grand old English-speaking time. Just imagine. More on that later, take care of yourselves,
Nicolas